I'm still alive... I think.

It’s been a while. I haven’t purposefully been avoiding you, I just guess I haven’t been in the right space to be writing. This is strange because normally when shit hits the metaphorical fan, I usually feel the urge to write more than usual. I guess the difference here is that nothing really has gone wrong. There is no sh*t to hit the fan.

I have been in a space of contemplation for the last 4 weeks or so. I have questioned a lot of things, including whether I want to continue writing about my journey. I will be honest, I have struggled with the concept that I am not where I am ‘supposed to be’. I feel like I should be further along, more progressed… smaller. And as I have been thinking about it, I have wondered what right I think that I have to be writing my opinions, thoughts, and more often than not feelings for other people, who may or may not be on the same journey as I am to read.

There is part of me, that is worried I am portraying myself as the girl who cried wolf. Or rather, I suppose, the girl who cried cupcake, as in GIVE ME THE CUPCAKE! I tend to make grand plans, set great goals, push through for three or four weeks with motivation and bravado, and then sabotage myself, fly off the handle bars and spend a week or two feeling sorry for myself, stuffing my face with pizza, and then spiralling downward to rock bottom which usually looks like tears and negative hurtful internal dialogue. This pattern has been reinforced a number of times over the last few years which has strengthened an already destructive relationship with food. It is laced with emotion and imperfection, and it plagues me.

So. When I was staring down the barrel of a downward descent to rock bottom I decided to just do it. Put on my big girl panties and decide what I wanted. I needed to accept the fact that the things I thought I wanted weren’t the things that I really needed. And there is a big difference between wants and needs sometimes. There was a difference though, this time I did it without the public declaration. I got to 3 weeks, and I made a choice that wasn’t nutritionally great, in fact I made 5 days of decisions that weren’t aligned to my goals, and then I just got on with it. Now I am back in the midst of looking at each meal and asking myself if I am making the right decision for my body in that moment. I am back on the horse, and you know what, I am telling you about it. Not because I think it’s going to keep me more accountable, but because I know there are a bunch of people out there who are in the exact same boat. And because I think talking about it makes it a lot more real, not only for you, but for me too.

And it’s a fight, more than half the time, my mind is telling me that the candy bar is a great idea, that the pizza won’t hurt, and that the bottle of wine is a great way to deal with the shitty day I have had. But, there is a small part of my brain [I think it is somewhere deep in the back] that’s voice is starting to get a little louder. And its starting to whisper just that little bit more that I have the ability, drive and determination to do whatever the hell I want.

Someone I admire greatly, who has gone through their own journey of weight loss recently said that eating what you want is not about promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. Its about empowering a healthy relationship with food. I love that. I love that idea that I want to eat things that are going to heal me, not harm me. Am I there yet? No. But I am taking little steps, one at a time. And because of this, I have decided I am going to keep writing, and sharing, and probably oversharing at times to, because that’s what I do sometimes. And I hope you stick around and keep reading, and that you come hang out and be social with me over on social media because I love talking to other people. Whether you are in the same boat, in a different boat, or maybe even if you are standing on the shore thinking about getting into a boat. Because we are all in this together, and sometimes you just need to know someone else is there with you. So. If you are that person, I am here. Right here with you. And I am not going anywhere, until I get to where I am going, wherever the hell that might be.

1 comment:

  1. Love this post Tillie! I read it earlier today and was prompted to comment after reading your response to Jills comment on Facebook about Belle. You know what u hit the nail on the head- eating food isn't about what's "good" or what's "bad" it's doing what works for yOU and how it makes u feel. Your relationship with it. There needs to be a balance - for everyone and a "treat" can come in any form - a raw protein ball or a glass (or bottle) of delicious wine ;) xo thanks for sharing your thoughts!


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