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I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t even text. I feel like things had been going really consistently, and then I just turned into the guy that didn’t call. Partially I know it is because I recently talked about some great plans, with a heart full of good intention and a whole punch of motivation. I didn’t want to have to write another post that talked about how hard it was, and how I still hadn’t found my groove. And so I just didn’t write anything, and instead found a little nook on the couch, and settled into a steady and comfortable pattern of mediocrity.


And then, something happened. I experienced a sudden and heartbreaking loss. Making decisions for my health took a seat even further back. I'm not sure we were even in the same car for a while. I had to find space to support my family, support myself and grieve the loss of a man I was not ready to let go of. A man who was the kindest, cheekiest man, the kind that hugs you so tight you can feel his love for you between your skin, the one who gave me my first whiskey and taught me to love it. My grandfather was a great man. And he was taken from us far too soon. And so, as I navigated my grief, I sought comfort. Because in those moments when your world is shaken, it is incredibly simple to walk back to the things that you think will comfort you. No surprises that I turned to food. Traveling, Grieving and Cooking really don’t mix, so takeaways filled the space when I could stomach food. ‘Sugar-Free’ energy drinks got me through the early mornings and the late night and the midnight travel. And my old friends disguised as small sugary candy sized mouthfuls quickly crept back in and filled a snack sized hole.

That was almost 2 months ago now. I wish I could write that when I got back to Melbourne I found my way straight back to focus. I didn’t. I cried, I ate pasta,, and garlic bread and a little bit of ice-cream too. It didn’t necessarily make me feel better, but at the time it also didn’t make me feel worse either. I didn't have the space to think about whether I was making the right choices or whether that meal fit my eating guidelines, so I just ignored it all and ate what was easy. In the weeks following my return I think I used the kitchen only twice. Then I went back to basics, lots of water, fresh beautiful veges, meat, good fats, and I thrived. My body felt good, the brain fog lifted and I felt on track.

It lasted a week. You see, I put myself into a pigeon hole. A category. I was trying to follow rules of a programme, and they became so overbearing that I started to get stressed about whether what I was eating was compliant or not. Within 7 days I felt like I had actually stepped back about 100 steps with my relationship with food. Which was a scary thought seeings as I knew I still had such a long way to go. You see, disordered eating can come in many forms. For me, in that moment, weighing out my protein, and freaking out over a splash of milk, or a slice of cheese made me feel so out of control. It was ridiculous. My anxiety was elevated, and I could feel the binge looming. So I stopped. I simply took away the restriction. I think about 5 days later I ate a burger. But I didn’t rush out and get one then and there. I took it as a win, and I took it as progress.

As of right now, I am working through some stuff. I am eating really well. Taking it a day at a time. 3 meals each giving me the chance to make a decision at every meal. Will I fuel my body and assist my weight loss? Or will feed the sugar beast and remain stagnant? I am trying to change the dialogue in my head. I am trying to change my thought process. I am trying. I am coming up to my first 7 day goal. And then I will re-evaluate. You see, I am not making any grandiose proclamations, or goals or promises. I am breaking it down and I am focusing on each little section, which ultimately builds a much bigger picture. I feel positive right now. Tomorrow might not be a good day, but I have the same 3 decisions to make, and I feel like I might just be strong enough to make the right ones.

3 comments:

  1. I love this Tillie. So much love and support for you. <3

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  2. This is beautiful writing Tillie. One day at a time is a great approach and I wish you all the best! x

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  3. Love you lady, so sorry to hear about your grandfather! One day at a time, make sure you're kind to your beautiful self. It's a journey for a reason - lots of twists and turns and bumps in the road xo

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