That time I got told I was too fat for a dress...

Yesterday I experienced something really really really shitty. Something that I hope none of you reading this, ever have to experience. It left me feeling like crap. And actually, it left me really angry. You see, I was in a store. I am not going to call out the store, because it was an isolated incident and I am not writing this to negatively publicise a business. I had been browsing for about 10 minutes. I had a couple of things to try on. Two dresses and a top. I went into the change room, and you know, did my thing. Tried on the clothes, um’ed and ah’ed about whether I wanted to buy them. Got dressed back into my clothes and walked towards the counter.

As I put the items on the counter, the assistant asked me how I went. I replied that I was going to leave the dresses. Now you guys, don’t get me wrong, they were cute, and they fitted nicely, but I didn’t really need them, and with $120 and $150 dollar price tags, they weren’t exactly ‘cheap’ items I just couldn’t justify the expensive, especially before we go on holiday. It was her response that floored me. As I handed the garments over she simply said “Doesn’t surprise me, they wouldn’t have fit you anyway”. I am not paraphrasing here. Those exact words came out of her mouth. I didn’t actually know what to do. I didn’t say anything. I put the top down on the counter, the one I was going to buy, and just looked at the ground and walked out the door. I have not felt that awful in a long time. A stranger, someone who’s job was to assist me and ultimately sell to me, basically told me I was too fat to be in the store and I shouldn’t have wasted my time, or hers.

I get it. I am not skinny. I am not a size 10. I am not even a size 14. But I am not an idiot. I don’t try on many clothes in stores, because it’s not normally a fun experience for me. Things often don’t quite fit right; my hips and ass are big. So are my boobs. I have a big wobbly stomach. I am self-conscious enough when I walk into a store that I am usually pretty cautious in any selection that I take into the changing room, because I don’t want to allow myself to feel rubbish about not fitting into something for no reason. So when someone makes a snide remark like that, about something that actually did fit perfectly fine, and looked pretty cute actually, I just felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. And then I realised that what she said, actually said a whole lot more about her, than it did about me. What gives her, or anyone for that matter, the right to make an assumption about someone, based on appearance? She probably didn’t even realise how snarky that comment was. She was just simply observing what she thought to be the truth. These comments happen all the time. I am guilty of it, although I am making a much more concerted effort to stay away from those conversations on a day to day basis. We have no idea of peoples stories. We have no idea of the struggles, or the background. And making snap judgements, and then vocalising them, can be really hurtful, and have a much bigger impact that we think from the outset.

Now that I have calmed down a little bit, I realise I probably let this whole experience affect me more than it should have. But I guess that’s just who I am. I am sensitive to that kind of stuff. I have body image issues that I am working through, I am trying to lose weight, I am trying to get healthier. But that doesn’t mean that I deserve to be spoken down to, or dismissed. Body shaming, fat shaming, bullying or whatever the hell you want to call it, is not ok. Not in any situation. If you hear it…call it out. If you see it…stand up against it. And if you catch yourself doing it, just think, how would you feel if it were directed at you?

Apparently I needed to buy a swimsuit

With the first day of spring having just sprung, I realised that summer is really right around the corner, and more importantly for me, our holiday was only 30 days away. I planned on sipping cocktails, reading books and swimming. There was only one problem to this perfect scenario… I don’t really have anything acceptable to wear in the pool. The last time I bought swimwear was in about 2009. I still have that suit. Its black, and had “tummy control” and it has done the job for the fleeting moments I have had to wear swimwear in the last 5-6 years. I don’t know about you, but I have never been a fan of wearing togs. Honestly I don’t actually know many people who do; it’s basically like wearing underwear in public. [this sums it up so well] So while you won’t find me sporting a bikini any time soon [no matter what my size] you also aren’t super likely to find me rocking a one piece while I am laying by the pool either. And that has nothing to do with my size, and everything to do with the fact that I just don’t like exposing myself like that. Shorts and a tank top… no problem. Underwear in public… yeah right!

You should have your picture taken...

Seriously.... I know. Its scary and you probably want to change 100 things about the way that you look. But you should let someone take your photo. Trust me, I understand. Honestly I do. For such a long time I avoided being in photographs... Honestly, it was pretty easy for me to stay clear of being in front of the camera. You know, being a photographer and all, it meant that it was incredibly easy for me to hide behind the camera, capturing other peoples moments instead of my own.

When Greg proposed, one of the most exciting things for me was picking our photographer. [and let me tell you, we have picked a pretty dang amazing one... but more on that later] But then I realised that would mean we would have to actually be in front of the camera. I felt an intense pang of anxiety. I wasn't entirely stoked at the thought. So I freaked out a little bit. And then I realised I was being a giant dork about the whole thing. Seriously, what the heck was my problem. I had just got engaged, I was planning my wedding, I was going to marry the guy that I loved, and the guy who loved me back, enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me.

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