One of those weeks.



You know that ones. The low one. The ones that end with days like today. You know, the one where all you want to do is cry and eat junk food and you just want it to be different. You want to wake up and not have this stupid comfort relationship with food. You want to wake up eat your eggs, have a salad for lunch and your grilled chicken and veges for dinner and feel satisfied and happy. You want to work out and feel accomplished. But all you can do is sit there and feel like all of that is too hard and maybe you are never ever going to change the person you have become. I have a lump in my throat as I type this. Because I am ashamed that my fingers are finding their way to these keys. But I also don't want to hide this feeling away because its real, and its my reality right now. I don't know how to change it. I honestly have no idea. Nothing sticks, and its hard. It's so fucking hard. And I get it, it isn't meant to be easy, but I swear to whoever is out there watching over us, that it shouldn't have to be this fucking hard.


I am pretty close to being back to the heaviest I have ever been. I have gained the majority of the 15kgs I lost last year, and I can feel ever gram. Not only on the scales but I am getting to that point where my clothes don't fit either. I honestly start to stare back at the person in the mirror and I don't know who she is, because she certainly doesn't look like the girl I know as me. The extra kilos have piled on my stomach, and my face. I am so tired, all the time, even when I wake up in the morning. I am feeling really fucking lost. And now there are tears rolling down my face. This feeling has left me in this place of immense sadness, because all I want to do is eat my feelings. Eat my sadness. And yet I know that it is the very thing that I shouldn't do, because that is what has lead me here in the first place.

This is meant to be the happiest time of my life. And please, don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful life. With the most wonderful people, with a family who loves me, and friends who are the best in the world. I have an amazing home, a job that allows me to push the boundaries, nd a cat, who well quite honestly is insane, but these are good and wonderful things. I am planning a wedding to celebrate the fact that I am with a man who wants to love me for the rest of his life. All of that should amount to a deep and rich life, and it does. It so does. But there is this unrest, right in the centre of it all.

I don't know whats going to happen next. I need to make some space. And start again.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for your very raw and honest share. I've found these moments in life depressing but strangely freeing. Once you've hit rock bottom there is no other *safe way to go but up. I'm also planning a wedding, and while it's low key and awesome, it's still 'more'. What's currently working for me is; self soothing and making time for myself without any guilt associated to time/energy not spent on fufilling the endless 'to do' list.
    Keep doing what you're doing and cut yourself some slack.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel this way at the moment too. It's like all the planning and all the numbers on MFP look fantastic and sounds fantastic and then you go to bed and something is missing because you're hungry or unsatisfied. Or you go to dinner and everyone else is loving their meal and they're super full afterwards and you're like "So McDonald's anyone?" because it wasn't enough to make you FEEL better.
    It's so hard and so terrifying. Especially for me. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that maybe no gym session, no eating plan will allow me to look in the mirror and be happy. There's no magic cure and I might be this way forever. It terrifies the shit out of me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mate, this is exactly how I felt this morning when I woke up, and exactly how I feel now as I type this. Between 2012 and 2015 I lost 20kg and then regained it all (and maybe more). I have felt happy and comfortable at this weight for a few months now but this past week I've started to feel it all quite literally weighing me down.

    Remember you are worth more than numbers on scales, calories logged, sizes on clothing tags. Remember that wonderful life with the family and friends and the man that wants to dedicate his life to you. Remember all the reasons that you are an exceptional human being, and perhaps most importantly, remember why all of these things mean that you are deserving of self-love and happiness no matter what.

    You got this xx

    ReplyDelete

This week on instagram

Back to Top